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What Happen To Depression || Spoken Word


Mohammed Demashkieh

  |  July 8, 2015

To see this spoken word performance, visit:
(inspired by Sabrina Benaim) 

Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter
One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear
The next it's the bear
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone
I call the bad days "the Dark Days"
Mom says try lighting candles
But when I see a candle I see the flicker of a flame
Sparks of a memory younger than noon
It is the moment that I learn everyone and everything I will ever come to know will someday be gone
Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark; perhaps that's part of the problem
Mom says I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed
I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house inside of my head
Mom says where did anxiety come from
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town, depression felt obligated to bring to the party
Mom I am the party, only I'm a party that I don't want to be at
Mom says why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends
Sure I make plans, I make plans but I don't want to go
I make plans because I know I should want to go I know at some point I would have wanted to go
It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun Mom
You see Mom, each night Insomnia sweeps me up in it's arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company
Mom says try counting sheep
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake
So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me that I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot
Baptize myself in
Mom says happy is a decision
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg
My happy is a high fever that will break
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying
No Mom I am afraid of living
Mom I am lonely
I think that I've I learned how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy
So when I tell you I've been super busy lately I mean I've been falling asleep on the couch watching SportsCenter
To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed
But my depression always drags me back to my bed
Until my bones are forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city
My mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat
But I am just a careless tourist here
I will never truly know where I have been
Mom still doesn't understand
Mom, can't you see
That neither can I


Mom, my happiness is a roller coaster that never stops
One day I'm high up above the rest and the next, I'm spiraling sideways towards the finish line
On those days I think of you mom, I think of every blessing I've ever had
I call the good days the blessed days
Mom says I am sooo happy for you, please stay like this, this is the you that I want in my life
Mom doesn't understand though
Mom, depression got up and left the party, mom I am the party only now I am a party lighting up with colors and joy
Mom says what happen, how did you change so fast honey
I realized how dumb the party was, trapped in a vortex called my own thoughts
I needed to escape I needed hope
I needed religion and company.
Faith was calling... Calling to me like an orphan child calling for his father.
Momma I made it
Mom I think I saw everything I truly had when I stopped chasing what was worldly, I learned how to turn the lonely into friendly the sad into happy so when I say I've been super happy lately I mean I've been going to the mosque and praying 5 times a day
I've been moving on and spending time with my family
I've been forgetting my past, holding on to my faith and being myself again
Until my mouth shrieks of pain and sourness from smiling around on it
My brain enlightened with wisdom as I am relieved that everything truly happens for a reason
The over populated auditorium of my chest erupts with echoes of applause
And I am a well-known traveller here, I will always understand where I have been
Mom still doesn't understand...
Mom can't you seeee,
That I finally DO!

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